Panaginip ka na lang ba

Napanaganipin na naman kita. Tayo na daw. Grabe yung feeling. Parang totoo. Sa panaginip ko, iniisip ko totoo at sana nga hindi yun panaganip. Kasi ang saya. Pero nagggisng ako, panaginip lang lahat.

Hindi na gusto ng utak ko. Bumigay na ako. Sabi nga sa kanta, "Set me free, Let me be, I don;t wanna fall into the moment of your gravity.." Pero hindi, bumabalik pa din ako sayo. Sayo, wala nang iba. Nakakaisip na ako ng mga dahilan kung bakit hindi, right love, wrong time o di kaya'y clash of personamlity pero sa puso ko meant to be padin tayo. Ikaw ang gusto ko. Gusto pa din kita.

Sinabi mo sa panaginip ko na nagpunta ka pa sa simbahan sa Paranaque para sa siang patron para ipagdasal, naconfirm mo na hindi ka bading, that you're straight as hell. At natawa ka pa sa tumawag sayo na bakla ka. Kasama mo daw yung mga kaibigan mo. Si ranier ang pinakatumatak sa akin, But his not familiar at any levels, at any sense.

Sana totoo. Sana confused ka lang. Sana gusto mo din ako. Sana mangyari yung pasimpleng hawak ng mga kamy natin. Yung paguusap natin na ikaw yung nangunguna. Sa fb, gusto ko din daw tanungin kung totoo ba yung nangyare, kung tayo na ba. Pero hindi ko na rin natanong.

Bakit? Bakit ganun? Ang sarap pero imposible. Hanggang panaganip na lang ba ito?

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Rejection 2

This is my second time to be rejected. But I consider this as less hurting than my first rejection before. I prayed a lot that God lead me to a career path where I can show my full potentials, a path that would lead me to be successful and happy. (Which is also not clear to me as I really don't know how to measure success in one's career; one thought to be pondered upon) So, that's what I am praying for. And here, God gave an opportunity last month to be noticed and to be interviewed by McK***** & C******. Without having any knowledge about the company, but upon researching I learned that it's one of the best. And so, I accepted the invitaion and got interviewed six time by people from different levels. Got amazed by one of the interviewers, Ber****, whom by chance is a highschool mate from an upper batch. She's really good. Really, really good. I prayed a lot that God would help me change company and that I'll be accepted. And today, I got the news. I did not made it.

You know. This is kinda weird because a I just felt a slight disappointment with myself. I did my job, but yeah my best wasn't good enough. But I believe God has purpose why this happened. I never asked for it and He gave it to me. I never made it but I learned my lessons. I am always praying that God would help me bring me to the right path, but I myself never do my job. I pray and just let time pass without doing anything to improve on myself. After the interview, I learned that I should know how to prioritize things, and how to manage my time. And yes, I want challenges and I want to be good. But I'm always afraid to deal with difficult situations. I avoid them when they are in front of me. I must learn how to deal with them with composure. When it's my fault and my manager checks on me why I wasn't able to meet it, why I got escalated, I get angry and put the blame on her even it was my fault. Theses are some of the things I realized.  I am looking for a better opportunity but i never learn on how to improve my own self. I never get matured. I can't complain forever. I got escalated but I still handle things without concern. I should treat them as my own. It is for myself, not solely for the company. I should avoid to commit my mistake as previous mistakes are lessons. They are done and already in the past so they shall never happen again.

How am I as  a team player?
How do you deal with a difficult person in the team? Personal? Professional?
What really are my long-term goals?
How do I see myself 5 years from now?
How do I deal with difficult situations?
How will my manager describe me/

^^Questions that I don;t know to answer because I don't care. This looks like I am really lacking. I must set my goals.

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Random thoughts again

Random thoughts.

Napagod na ako sa inyong dalawa. Ako ang nadamay pero wala akong ginawang kahit na ano sa inyo. Napagsalitaan ako ng masama pero sige. Bahala na.

Napagod na ako sa iyo na umasa. Bakit nga ba at para saan pa? Siguro masarap lang balikan yung sarap ng pakiramdam nung kasama kita. Pero hindi ka talaga okay eh. Hindi ko pa rin alam kung ano ang meaning mga nagyari dati, hanggayon ngayon. Puzzled? Oo. Landian na ba yun? Pero wala eh. Sa isa lang tumutumbok lahat ng pangyayari, nawalan na ng ibig sabihin lahat ng iyon. Siguro nga tama sa kaibigan na isa ka ngang gago. Hindi pa nga siguro ngayon yung oras na paginvest ka ng emosyon oras at pagmamahal sa isa kang tao. Pero sia kang gago na hindi marunong kung paano pasukin ang sitwasyon. At pagdating sakin, naiisip ko na hindi niya kayang maging matino at hindi ko makukuha ang respeto bilang isang kaibigan at mas malalim pa sa pagiging kaibigan mula sa kanya. Ano LANG ba ang tingin mo sa akin? Admin diba?

Ang hirap ng buhay no? Nagghihintay ako ng tamang tao, sa tamang panahon. Wala pa siguro yung tamang tao, o hindi pa tama yung panahon. Nagihihintay lang ako. Pero tama lang ba na magihntay ako? Naghahanap ako ng tao na reresputihin at tatanggapin ako kung sino at kung ano ang mayroon ako. Yun na lang ba 'yon? Naghahanap ako ng tao na na may goal sa buhay. Prero yun na ba yun? Enough na ba na hintayin ko na lang. Nang hindi ako nagbibigay ng effort? Naisip ko, hindi dapat ako maghangang ng tao o ng bagay na wala naman ako (realization ito mula sa paguusap namin ni kaibigang Joy). Hindi ako dapat nagaaksaysa sa paghihintay. Nagaaksaya dapat ako kung paano pagbubutihin ang sarili ko. Para makita nila na DESERVE ako na ipaglaban at mahalin. Ang hirap no ? Kailangan mong magtake action to deserve all the respect and all the things that you are asking for. Pero ganun talaga eh. Kasama yun sa kasabihan na pag walang tiyaga, walang nilaga. No guts, no glory. Sa ngayon, kailangan kong pagbutihin ang sarili ko. Hindi daPat ako naghihintay at isip ng isip kung sino ang pwede, kung sino ba, kung kailan ba,. kung ngayon na ba, kung siya ba. Hindi na ako dapat magdaydream na kung siya ba ay ganito. kung yung sia ganyan. kasi senseless, pointless, waste of time.

So ano na ang gagawin ko? Hassle kasi, may tsismis na mawawalan kami ng trabaho. Hindi ko alam kung anonggagwin ko. Pero kailangan kong mag-aral. Ito talaag yung mahirap sakin eh. Yung magdecide. Hirap na nga ako magdecide kung group eh. Individual decision pa kaya? Kung mag-aaral ako, anong mangyayari sakin? Gusto ko lang pumasok sa payroll or comp and ben. Gusto ko maging comp and ben supervisor or payroll supervisor. Tapos magaaral ulit ako ng Industrial Psych sa ateneo. Sa bpo pa din ako papasok, para magamit ko yung MTM. Well, kahit saan naman pawede yung magamit eh. IT companies leveraging on their technology and controls.

Naisip ko na kailangan ko lang nang mga UP people para mabreak yung insanity ko. kasi soon ko narerealize na hindi ako nag-iisa. Hindi lang ako nammrublema. Kailan lang narealize ko na mas nakakapagisip ako pag nasa UP environment ako. Yung feeling na gusto ko lang tumulala tapos magisip ng mga abgay. Tapos kumukha ng papel at abllpen, magsulat ka ng mga thoughts mo at plano sa buhay. Oh up, may safe haven.

***
Since, I am on a BPO industry working in an IT company. I see how important technology is because it's where the competency of the company itself relies to. very fast-paced, ever-changing, ever-evolving, so I find it very interesting. The question after the availability is how would you utilize it? And that's where my interest  to enter MTM came in. And daming problemang natatackle, kahit na etchnology andiyan na. Technology supposedly eases our life at home, at work. But then, there are times that we encounter issues not with the technology itself but on how t is utilized by the users and how it is relayed, shared to the end users. So its's not about the innovation but how to handle and managing it, how you can develop it. How to be systematic in terms of using the technology. companies use the same tools, but some companies is above others and leverage on to how theyam,nage the system of the technology.

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I HATE THIS FEELING

I HATE THIS FEELING. SAD. THIS FEELING WHEN ALL PEOPLE AROUND YOU IS ALREADY MOVING ON WITH THEIR LIFE. LEAVING YOU  UNINTENTIONALLY, AND CONSEQUENTLY WILL BE GOING TO BE PART OF THERE PAST. YOUR PAST TOO BUT NO FURTHER STEPS FOR ME TOO LOOK FORWARD WITH THEM.

I HATE THIS FEELING. COLD. THIS FEELING ALONE, NOT BECAUSE YOU WANT TO  BUT IT'S HOW IT SHOULD WORK.

I HATE THIS FEELING. FEELING OLD. TO ACCEPT THIS ALL, I MUST FACE THEM AND CONTINUE TO GO WITH THE FLOW. MOVE FORWARD ALSO, BECAUSE IF NOT.  I'LL BE CAUGHT OFF GUARD LEAVING MYSELF BEHIND EVERYONE ELSE. THINKING AS AN GROWN-UP, I HATE THIS. THAT YOU NEED TO CONSIDER EVERYTHING ELSE IN THE WORLD, LEAVING AWAY ALL THAT MAKES YOU HAPPY. OTHERWISE, REST OF YOUR LIFE WILL BE MISERABLE.

I HATE THIS FEELING. MISERABLE. NOT KNOWING AND DOING WHAT I WANT TO DO. GETTING CAUGHT UP WITH THE SYSTEM,  WITH THIS STEREOTYPICAL IDEOLOGIES AND HAPPENNINGS, WITH WHERE I BELONG IN THE HEIRARCHICHAL SOCIETY. SOCIETY  WHERE IN MONEY IS IMPORTANT THAN EVERYTHING ELSE.

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Last Na

Hindi ko alam kung napapagaya na lang ako sa nararamdaman ng ibang tao. Galit, inis, irita. Alam kong walang dahilan para sa akin na maramdaman yun. Pero hidni ko alam kung bakit.  Pag naiisip ko yung ginawa mo kay kaibigan 1, hindi ko maiwasan na mairita rin sayo. Wala kang ginawa. Yun ang problema. Nagsabi ka ng masyadong ng totoo. Yun ang problema. Hindi ko alam kung anong nararamdaman mo ngayon . Hindi ko alam kung may pandama ka, sa totoo lang. Pero sana nga, ngayon ko lang naisip, na inisip mo muna na magkaibgan kayo. Kahit yun na lang. Siguro nga hindi magalings a salita, tulad ng sabi mo. Pero mahirap bam aging kaibgan? Hindi ba universal yun?

Pag naiisip ko na nagkaroon din ako ng pagkagusto sayo. Nasusuka na alng ako/ Sopbrang TO ka. Andaming issues. Though, parehas tayo ng interes. Marahil sa pagtingin sa bahay at willing to try sa ilang mga bagay. May something nga na nakakabanas sa’yo. Masyado kang kampante, hindi ka marunong maglabas ng saloobin, hindi ka marunong maging kaibigan. (Ilayo na natin ang usapang pera) Ewan ko ba, [pero pag nakikita ko palang ang pangalan mo nakakaramdam na ako ng bwiset. Pero sige, aaminin kong, kaibigan pa rin ang tingin ko sa’yo. Hanggangd oon na lang at pasalamat ako at hindi ako yung main tao na involvd an nasaktan at nagrisk. Iniisip ko baka bakla ka nga. Pero, problema mo nay un.

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Mount Pinatubo

Here are the pics converted to one gif. :))

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