When boredom shoo'd away, bad realizations came

This is a boring day. I was finding things I could do over the net just to kill it until I stumbled upon some people on twitter. I think I just got depressed while unraveling things. So that's how it works. I'm now really afraid for my career life. And a little about my love life? Chos. Insecurity is back. I'm afraid that we won't be a good match anymore. That maybe he could have a lot of higher priorities i  life. And that I could not be a viable match for him because there would come a time that we're not of the same level anymore.

Getting back on my career, I don't know how I am feeling this. You know, it seems that my state in life and career is all right, but not. This really makes me confused. :/ Maybe, I'm just comparing myself to others. I'm being insecure and becoming worried, a little inferior as my friends are really professionals/becoming professionals. But thinking of K, he is not a licensed someone. But he's really good. And that sets him apart from everyone else. Same goes with R. So how would I be a good or a better one? As  C's sister told us just yesterday, you should know how to play the ball. Oh I remember how my boss do it. He sounds like he is always capable. He surely knows how to get out of things. But in reality, he is not. I should really know how to do it. Despite my years of experience, I should know how to play the ball through words, through good communication and projection. Oh, how I wish I really got this. But dude, I'm a wimp on that part.

So my plan, I'll follow what Ate L told me. I would try to transfer to another role after 18 -24 months. Then, I will enroll and study IT or anything related to SAP. How to start this? God, help me. Shed me some light. I know you're there, as always. :)

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We are also victims

Late post:

So we had a meet-up at C's place as she is about to leave for Australia for her Master's degree. Aside from my Bora Trip, this is the next thing I am excited about. It's been long since we had a serious keeping in touch. I guess, it's true that excitement kills and that we should never expect more. Be nervous if you get excited as the opposite thing would happen. And yeah, it is.

The ending is only a few of us had a chance to spend a night at C's place. R has a scheduled outing/work/whatever it is. M had a suddenly family event/trip. K is in Tagaytay. R wasn't able to catch a cab late at night which is quite irritating (because the reason itself is). And T, whom the one I super expect did not attend. Gladly L is present! So happy to see him since it was 2011 when I last saw him.

Therefore, we only have C, R, T, A, L and me. I super felt that we were incomplete (photo). Good thing, we managed to make the night fun playing Lords of Waterdeep and watching disturbing movies . Like define disturbing, please? Hahaha. (and of course little tsismis. How would I miss that? We always love that!)

My feelings toward episode GOT ep 09 was overshadowed by the movies we watched, especially that Martyrs. What an extremely gory film, I must say. So what comes after death? What the fuck guys, get over it. What comes before death is LIFE, SO WE MUST ENJOY IT! Can't you guys focus on the a priori perspective? Damn that fucking society. The hell that you care about the transcendence after experiencing extreme suffering with seriously crazy stages. Well, I believe there is also a higher state after extreme happiness. How come, you did not chose that? Of course, how would that be a horror-thriller kind of film? Hahaha. However, I dunno how to support that statement. But my instinct believes that it is. LOL

Martyrs (2008)

Le sigh. Looking forward to watch other disturbing films. NOT? Hahaha. Serbian Film. Check. Martyrs. Check. I would not include Salo and Caligula in the list. Though, I was able to watch them. I cheated. I fast-forwarded and did not appreciate them even after pressing backward-play buttons many times. LOL. So there. Haha.

Hate to tell, that we are extremely martyrs to finish two horror movies without any breaks. Hate to tell that we became martyrs ourselves in finishing the movie Martyrs. Where in the end, we got nothing but felt like our body was scraped a lot of times like Lucie in the film. Our senses got tripped and traumatized. We also became victims that our senses were abused vicariously.

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Confession

Hi friend,

May gusto akong sabihin sayo. Gusto ata kita. Di ko alam kung paano at saan nagsimula. Pero gusto ko lang malaman mo. Kasi hindi ko na macontain yung pakiramdam. Ayos lang kahit wala kang sagot. Ayos lang kahit wala kang pakiramdam. Gusto ko lang talagang sabihin at bigla kong naramdaman na kailangan kong sabihin. Sana walang magbago. Sana di awkward. Sana ganoon pa din. Sana friends pa din tayo. Gusto ko ding malaman mo na pinagdasal ko 'to. Ipinagdasal ko na sana kung wala 'tong patutunguhan, tigilan na ang kalokohan at kabaliwang ito lalo na sa part ko. Ako ang nagbibigay ng kahulugan e.  Kaya kung wala, please lang. Wag ka nang gumawa pa ng dahilan para maging mas nakakaloka yung emosyon. Para di masakit.. Or kung may gagawin ka man otherwise at ang mas naiisip ko dito ay 'yung masakit na part. Bahala ka. Ang mahalaga nasabi ko sayo 'to.


Sana nga.

XOXO

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Finding Meaning

At dahil kailangan kong magpost. Nadamay pa si Jacques Derrida. Sa pghahanap ko na walang meaning lahat. Postmodern nga pala yun. Shet. Why, o why? My heart, please stop.

At dahil diyan nasstress na naman talaga ako. Habang nakaupo sa toilet bowl. Iniisip ko. Napasip ko talaga na imposibleng walang meaning. Pero pwedeng ang meaning na yun ay may bagon na namang meaning na maari at most probably ay walanmg kawenta-kwenta or pwedeng may kwenta kasi magiging source siya ng major heartbreak sa pagpapaasa mo/ko sa sarili ko. ohemgee. what is going on??

Nga pala. Bago mangyari ang gabing ito. Nagpunta ako kanina sa simbahan pra magdasal. Kasi sa totoo lang naoverwhelm ako sa lahat ng blessings na binigay ni Lord sa akin and to my family. I am so grateful that He has given me a supportive and lovable family and friends. Kaya ayun. over. At syempre pinagpray ko na naman si the one. And sana talaga, please kung walang patutunguhan ang kabaliwan konmg ito. Please Lord, make THIS stop. Make my heart not feel. Please? And sabi nga ni Dons, kung masasaktan ako, na please ayoko nang mangyari yung literal na masakit sa puso. ayun. the earlier the better. :((

Nakakastress kasi an ako lang alone ang nagiisip dito. Kasi imposible talaga na walang meaning ang lahat. Lalo na kung pinagtagpi-tagpi mo ang mga ganap sa buhay. THIS IS FRUSTRATING. My heart, chill lang.


MAMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA/ I HATE THIS FEELING. I WANT TO CRY. :((

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